How Scott Cam Dads

[00:00:00] Hamish is a dad who loves to be a dad, but he knows there's more to learn about being a dad So he made this show where he talks to all the dads so he can find out How Other Dads Dad

[00:00:19] Alrighty, today I'm really excited for people to hear this week's episode of How Other Dads Dad with Scott Cam If you're in Australia and quite a lot of the listenership is in Australia

[00:00:30] However we do have a bunch of overseas people we see on the statistics which is also bloody lovely Scott Cam is a beloved television personality He's spent a lot of his life as a builder, as a as a tradie, and that's a trades person

[00:00:46] Again, I don't know I'm doing so much referencing for our international people We don't have that many but I want to include everyone A lot of his life as a tradie and then of course here's now the host

[00:00:55] He's been on the block for I think nearly 20 seasons of the block Which is a huge run in television Now we know Scottie from the block, the block is the block Whether you're a big big fan of the block or you're just casually aware of television

[00:01:13] You essentially know what it is and you see Scottie do his excellent work there I think he's the only person in Australia that could do that job So I've got a huge professional respect for Scottie and what he's able to do on that show

[00:01:25] But here's what I say with this with that enormous admiration for his professional capacity But I think the Scottie you're about to hear is absolutely unlike perhaps what you might be expecting Especially if you're just a casual observer of the block

[00:01:41] I'm lucky enough to know Scottie as a mate Firstly through the radio show he would often come on as a guest to promote the block But then through other bits and pieces we just had become friendly

[00:01:51] And I as of course always happens like when you have a big juggernaut of a TV show Like that's just you know you can't help but know we know the persona of Scott Cam But I'm lucky enough to know the person that is Scott Cam behind that

[00:02:06] And you're about to be lucky enough to meet that side of him as well in today's pod It was pretty funny because I mentioned right at the start And the little interaction we had years ago that actually planted the seed for me to be like

[00:02:21] Man there's you know, gee Scottie Cam's talking like this about fatherhood I reckon there's other blocks that feel this way and would talk this way But it's not what we know them for And so in kind of a roundabout way you're here

[00:02:34] He was a little bit wasn't the inspiration for the show but he wasn't not either He certainly is responsible for one of the seeds being planted that kind of grew into what this show is

[00:02:45] But what I wanted to say was like you know he has that side to him and he has this incredibly sensitive side And I don't think he even really fully sees it He came in to do the show and he said to Tim and I before we recorded

[00:02:56] He was like oh look guys, you know I could be a bit of a different guest You know I'm pretty old school and we're like okay as you're about to hear This is not an old school day

[00:03:04] I mean my definition of old school is a bloke that just sort of went well I've got a job And you know like we're thinking like 60s 70s old school Like well I'm earning the money and my wife can raise the kids That is not Scotty

[00:03:15] So I'm really excited for you to hear this conversation Thank you again to Scotty for taking the time and being really beautiful and generous and open here Because I know so many people will get a ton out of there So please enjoy How Scott Count Dads

[00:03:38] Scotty Count, welcome Thank you Hamish it's really a pleasure to be here because I love talking about fathering And I know that about you and I reckon and we're just saying this off air And I think this is a good place to start

[00:03:51] It must have been three years ago possibly even four years ago That we were at the tennis, Australian Open And because of Channel 9 like you get to go We get freebies You get to go to dinner And I reckon that was the last time I went too

[00:04:03] But you and I got to sit next together And had a great chat You and your lovely partner and I was really struck We had a really lovely conversation We went really quite deep And actually this is where I wanted to start

[00:04:15] I left going wow Scotty is a great dad And the one thing that you said I don't know if you remember this or not But it's stuck in my head ever since Was your kids are growing up now which we'll get to in a sec

[00:04:28] But I remember you were talking about when they were littler And how you'd had the philosophy from when you were a young dad That you said to me we're living in our kids memories That's right That's my favourite saying And I loved it

[00:04:43] Because you know making memories is I think a huge driver for me as a dad And I think that's come for a lot of people too And we want to make sure that we don't look back And realise we let a magic period slip away

[00:04:56] And that idea of going we're actually living in our kids memories right now So we have the choice We have like agency over where that goes I think is a really powerful idea And it's obviously something that you've lived by

[00:05:10] I have mate and I pick that up when I reckon my kids are about five or six Because for those who don't know I've got an elder boy Charlie who's now 26 And I've got twin boy and girl Bill and Sarah who are 23

[00:05:24] So when Charlie was probably five and the kids were The twins were maybe three or something like that I realised that in my childhood I had these terrific memories That I look back on all the time

[00:05:37] And the smell of gum leaves burning reminds me of my grandfather's farm In the Blue Mountains Because we had a fire every night And we had fire for lunch when we cooked snags and chops and that And so that smell of that's a great memory for me

[00:05:48] And that time there is a great being there was a great memory And then I realised I've done a million things From the age of three years old to now But I've got a handful of these memories

[00:06:02] So therefore I thought we're living in a million things that our kids are doing So we've got to try and make them all fantastic So they end up with a handful of memories that they can really look back on So it's a bit of a strike rate too

[00:06:13] You know because you've got to do ten thousand things over their life And there's no guarantees So you've really got to work hard to create those memories that are going to stick with them When they're 50 years old

[00:06:26] So I'm 60 now and I've still got some memories from when I was five Yep And what I like about that concept of we're living in it too is that You know we talk a bit about it on the show because life is busy

[00:06:37] There's always the rush, you know There's always a lot of logistics that people are taking care of But it's a helpful, it helps me kind of recalibrate from time to time to go The rush is always seems necessary

[00:06:51] But you've also got that choice in that moment to go Well what little thing can I create And it's interesting that you remember gun leaves burning Like that's not a trip to Disneyland It's a simple thing Yes You know when you think about that

[00:07:03] When you think about like living in your kids memories Was that the idea to go to create different environments or different systems For the memories to occur in Correct I went out of my way to create memories And that was when my wife's Anne said We're having twins

[00:07:22] When she came back from the ultrasound Because I went to the first ultrasound But I was a tradesman and I was pretty busy And you know we're flat out And so we're going to the second ultrasound And I said look I can't make it dull

[00:07:32] I've got a thousand things on And then she came back crying saying we're having twins Oh shit I should have gone But anyway So I thought right I've got three kids coming Oh we've got one We've got another two We need to number one

[00:07:47] Get ourselves a block of dirt That we can camp and swag like I did When I was a kid at my grandfather's place So I started searching Which I had been doing for a long time anyway And I found 130 acres in Margie For 30 grand

[00:08:01] It was a very rough Bull Ant and Bushrock farm And it didn't have much there But it had some bush Except good yield of bull ants each year Yeah that's right You find them on your feet crawling all up your legs They were everywhere

[00:08:14] And so what was the motivation to get that patch Just to camp on? Yeah just to create those memories That I had I had a lot of my memories from My whole family My mum and dad And my brother and sister And my cousins

[00:08:28] Some of my cousins who had lost their dad Came with us every year And so we all had these terrific memories Of school holidays up there at this farm In the winter time So I just wanted to recreate that And then the terrific thing was

[00:08:42] That my sister and her kids Came with us every year To that same place So she was recreating her memories With her kids as well And she came up And my mum came And so it worked out really well And we've been going there For 30 years

[00:08:56] Basically to this place Since Builder House But originally my son and I Charlie the eldest Because the twins were still incubating We used to swag out up there On the top of the mountain In minus 10 degrees And how old was he? He was four

[00:09:13] And we'd climb up the mountain We'd set up the swags Out no tents And he's got memories of that Now he's 26 And he goes Do you remember dad When this was happening and that I said yeah mate I remember that That was a ripping night

[00:09:26] And he jumped into the swag with me He still remembers that I love this And when going up there Right if you can remember Back there you know 20 years ago You're going out there Is the purpose just Let's get through the night

[00:09:37] Do you know how much of a You know do you go out there Like if we get through the night I just know that's going to be A great memory Or is it structured Or is it just like Let's just see what happens Oh no no

[00:09:46] Well I knew that the venue Is it And then you've got To create the memory So taught them all How to get a fire going Taught them all How to do that And so now they all Get fires going And they'd build clubs Up in the bush

[00:09:58] And clear a bit of land Get a fire going And they'd cook a snag On a hot plate or something You know it was all Terrific stuff And that's another thing is about resilience They need to be tough Yeah Life's tough Life's out in the wide world

[00:10:13] Is very tough I think Works hard It's getting tougher for young people To buy a house, to rent To do everything in this climate That's going on at the moment So it's all about resilience I think And that sort of lifestyle Back in the day

[00:10:26] Created some resiliency within my kids And my daughter especially What were you hoping it taught them The bush or that That sense of autonomy out there Yeah I think I was hoping that it taught them Well I love the Australian bush Which I have

[00:10:40] And if you've got a love Of that Australian bush Then it gives you some purpose It gives you something Let's go and do this Let's go for camping Like let's do something Instead of being indoors I think What I wanted to create Was an outdoor life

[00:10:52] An adventurous spirit Yeah, yeah Yeah, climb as many trees You're like I don't care if you break your leg Yeah Break your leg in fact Or I'll break it for you No I like What I like about it is Because I mean That probably a similar stage

[00:11:06] Now with my kids They're at a similar age So it hits home But the idea that You're creating the space For an adventure to happen Without needing to prescribe The outcome You know what I mean And I think I feel like I could talk about Adventures all day

[00:11:21] And good ones to have And what makes a good adventure Well I know you're very adventurous With your kids mate And I know you get out And about all the time I love it And I think the few things That I've learned And you know

[00:11:31] Because my eldest is on the 8 Is the balance of creating the space You've got to put some effort into planning You can't just sort of wake up one day And go what do you want to do Because nothing will happen In your case

[00:11:44] You've put the effort into getting the block Which I think is super admirable I think that's one of those things That I've learnt Like if you've got an inkling Of something Do it now Yeah look The thing is with that block My wife's just come home

[00:11:56] And told me I'm a carpenter remember So my wife's come home And told me we're having twins And we've already got a two year old And we're going to have two more babies And I thought And that was my panic moment

[00:12:06] If I don't get this block of land Tomorrow Before those twins are born There'll be no time Well I'll never be I'll never be allowed to do it number one Because you won't have the money We won't have any You know we won't have any

[00:12:18] We're just an escape I bought a block of land Oh great to take the kids Yeah I suppose the kids could come one day So I've got a great photo Of Charlie as a three year old At the front of this block We just bought it

[00:12:31] I took my wife and kids up there For the first time to have a look at it And Anne was fully blown pregnant With the twins So I just made it by about three months Just made it And again it comes out to the thing of like

[00:12:43] We all know that feeling of being on a precipice of life Like a bit of like Should I book the weekend Should I book this week out in September Don't really have a plan I think what I've learned is You've got to get ahead of your schedule

[00:12:56] My rule for adventures with the kids And with our family is If you wait until you've got the time You never have the time You never have the time And everyone's job is different I know And for my particular line of work

[00:13:08] My work fills up about six to eight months in advance That's as far as the calendar's kind of Blocked out that for an event So I just learn I've got to get a year ahead of it Yeah And then you've got to block out that

[00:13:18] Even if it's just four days Yeah Then you can at least say to people Oh sorry Matt I can't I'm away with my daughter I'm away with my son Yeah You can't When you get a month out Cancel what you were doing to go camping

[00:13:31] It doesn't work like that People you can't be like No no no Sorry guys I can't do that Shoot I've decided to go camping But you can say no in advance It's already booked It's all about fencing it out

[00:13:40] I don't have a lot of wisdom in that area But that's one thing I've just solely learned And same you know That the beauty of you creating that space There's no outcome prescribed But the ingredients are there The ingredients are there for the kids

[00:13:55] To create their own memories too Yeah and look the other thing about We're living in our kids memories Is participation That's number two on the list Is participation you've got to be there Every time I leave work I'd forget my car And I go home

[00:14:08] To spend time with the family And go to dinner or do something like that That's all I've ever done So we'd finish work And generally we'd have to work up until The day of the school holiday started And then we'd get in the car from work

[00:14:22] And drive straight up to the bush And spend the whole school holidays there Everybody relaxed And we had motorbikes And push bikes to start with But motorbikes later And my kids just They couldn't wait to get there It was like the greatest

[00:14:38] And they still talk about it to this day And my nephew His dad's been pretty quick his whole life And so he came with my sister And I did a dog He's doing studying drama And things like that in production And part of his course

[00:14:51] A couple of years ago was a documentary On his life And virtually the entire documentary Was about Maji About powerful to him Yeah And he'll go to his 50 With those memories from Maji What I love about this is And this comes up frequently I reckon in here is

[00:15:07] Again it's not fancy As Rob Sitch famously said Episode one of season one Kids don't care about views You don't need to take them to a fancy They don't care about being on the French Riviera No, they do the flag in It doesn't mean anything

[00:15:23] But what you do need is the time Like it's the time and the space And of course it's different for every family To create that But I do think they're the only two ingredients That matter Because then it's about the family's unique unit Because you know

[00:15:39] It's also probably a testament to the values And the I'd say the way that you obviously run family life Where going away for two weeks is The joy I think there'd be people hearing this going Well, it might not be a joy for a lot of people

[00:15:52] Like it could be a tough situation But then it comes down to like How do you spend your downtime together And what are the ways that you gel as a family What did you find were the right conditions To go, you know

[00:16:05] To have everyone has their own unique voice And their way of doing things And their way of interacting with other family members Was that something you put effort into Or did it just evolve It did evolve But I think that my Anne and I

[00:16:17] Number one, we've got a very loving household And it's always been very touchy And lots of kisses and cuddling And all that sort of thing And our kids in bed every morning with us When they were little Everybody does that I mean the kids come upstairs

[00:16:34] They jump into bed with you And we watch a cartoon or talk I think the most important thing for me Is dinner at the table Every single night for their entire lives That they're at home At 6.30 Like a scheduled dinner time Because young kids have got to do

[00:16:51] A little bit of homework I was never big on homework I said don't worry about it Don't do it, because I wasn't good at school And you know, forget it My kids love that I also had a great policy of I'd wake up in the morning

[00:17:03] And go, no school today We're going out for lunch or something Great, how often was this What ages are you? This is up until year 10 Oh yeah, great They love that And it was raining or something like that I go, it's a miserable day out there

[00:17:17] Everybody uniforms off We're not going to school It's too wet My wife's a school teacher And she used to blow up It was the original tools down She used to blow up about that I go, Dale, look at it It's miserable out there

[00:17:32] Let's go to lunch or something Or have a Barbie or do something This is what I really love this, Scotty Because you know as you said You're 60 now I reckon that's something That people run the risk of then At 60 going, shit, I should have done that

[00:17:45] You know what I mean? This is what I really like about your parenting style And this is what I think Guys listening to the show And women listening to the show There's a bit more of these days Of that checking going Hang on, have I got a chance

[00:18:00] To do something here That I wish I did when I was older And it just, you know What really strikes me about you Is you had those thoughts You had them in the moment And you seized those opportunities Yeah, I think I see And I'm certainly not criticising

[00:18:14] Anybody's parenting style But I do see things Out and about that It's just crazy You know, like it's just unnecessary Like kids in year seven Staying home on a Sunday And studying all day for something Yeah In year seven Totally And you're raising your kids In Sydney

[00:18:33] We're actually really close neighbours There's a lot of schools around There's that emphasis on academia It sort of just seeps in Was that something you actively rallied against? I almost rallied against the academics Like get out and about Like what are you doing in here

[00:18:51] What are you doing at home Before four o'clock in the hour though In the summer Get it out And Sarah goes I hate science down I said well I hate it Science too Don't worry about it This is year eight I don't care Don't do any homework

[00:19:05] As long as you don't annoy anyone at school Or any other students that like science Yep Keep your head down and shut up I'm happy You can get nought if you like All right So that's interesting that By the way I want to point out

[00:19:17] That all my kids did exceptionally well in the HSC Do you reckon it's because it was It was that hand A bit of hands off A bit more of a More of a compass rather than specifics You gave them All that time though

[00:19:31] I was saying don't worry about homework I said just remember You got a knuckle down for 18 months In year 11 and 12 Like you just got to Have a good time here Learn the basics Learn how to add up And write and read correctly

[00:19:44] And then when you hit year 11 and 12 There's no point wasting 13 years of your life By bludging for 18 months Yep And they all worked hard in the 18 months And they all got in the 80s and 90s It sounds I mean the proof is in the pudding But it sounds

[00:20:00] To me that's based on like a respect A mutual respect That's why they didn't want to let me down Yeah but also a respect that you had For where they were at It wasn't I hate science wasn't met with bad luck You have to do it

[00:20:13] It sounds like you had a lot of understanding I know how hard it is And being cooped up in your room And we would go out to somewhere And so invite your friends We're going here or we're going Doing something They said oh they can't

[00:20:26] This is like year 6 and year 7 They've got to study all day Cause there's an exam on Friday I go what? What exam? You're 6 So It's madness So if that's not the emphasis Like and is what is How would you sum up what the actual emphasis From 0 to year 10

[00:20:47] What were those critical things That you wanted to see your kids develop? Moral compass Work ethic That's the thing I pushed very hard Under my kids their whole lives Is respect Moral compass I think is just Commendocency isn't it It's like waving in traffic

[00:21:03] It's a very simple form Thanks for letting me in mate Or someone's trying to get in And go hey come in please You're only 5 feet in front of me It's alright And waving And I am quite vocal in traffic When people don't wave

[00:21:15] What if this seems like road I haven't changed completely What if this seems like road etiquette But I mean It's obviously a thing that Being a good person That's it Is clearly more valuable than Being a smart person Correct Well you know what

[00:21:33] The success will come from being a good person My kids They're all good people And I know I'm showing off now But I've had many times Where people come up to me and go Your kids are so polite So amazing They've got such good energy

[00:21:49] What have you done It happens a lot In fact Number one I said to my kids He didn't make them But I said When they turn 14 Okay You have to go and get a job Why was that important to you? Work ethic Because life

[00:22:04] As we talked about earlier Is tough And you've got to work hard To survive And you've got to be resilient And you've got to come up with things That don't go your way And you've got to focus On moving forward through that And getting out of that

[00:22:19] That's so many things Not going my way Over 60 years You've got to bounce back And you've got to tough it out You've got to be tough And that's the other thing You've got to be tough If you get hurt For example My life

[00:22:31] I've had a lot of injuries at work And a lot of pain But you've got to back up tomorrow And go back to work again With stitches And all that sort of thing So you've got to be resilient You've got to be tough And get back in there

[00:22:43] So to see things as a learning I'm re-empting I know I'm going on with the production No, no I think it's good Because we can see it coming out real time But I think it's interesting With that That's often sort of branded As a quote unquote

[00:22:55] Old school mentality But I disagree Yeah Okay, why? Because it hasn't changed In fact, it's got harder You know Certainly we've got technology And all that sort of thing That's helping us But life itself hasn't got any easier It's got complex It's got complex

[00:23:12] And there's a whole bunch Of different things That Like social media I don't like to talk About social media that much Because I don't want to give it Any weight I just hate it so much Even though I'm involved in it Because I have to be through work

[00:23:25] I mean I could choose not to be But I think that we have to be involved Yeah, it's a deal with the devil you make It is But You know I certainly Have a rule in my house For the twins living home Still my eldest boy's out

[00:23:39] But he still lives by this That if someone walks in the room Your phone has to go down See, I love that Face down Like if I walk into a room Where one of my kids is The phone is immediately put down And they say hello to me

[00:23:51] Can they get back on it? Yeah, sure But you can't If I walk into a room and say hello And they're on their phone Which happened five, six years ago Eight years ago when it sort of started Getting happening

[00:24:01] I threw one of my kids' phones off the balcony That's But I'm a bit old school like that Ripped it out of his hand and hiked it So Because I say hello after working All day Yep He's been chilling, eating my food And getting coverage from my roof

[00:24:18] And he doesn't even say hello to me Got it He was young He was 12 or 11 But this obviously comes back to you Fiercely Like above a bunch of other things Holding Being a good person as a critical quality And there's common courtesy So isn't it? It's common courtesy

[00:24:35] Just to A big thing for me too, mate Is Going off again Is table manners Yep I'm massive on table manners Since I was five years old Resting position, knife and fork Finished position Excuse me when you get in the salt Could you pass

[00:24:51] All that sort of thing Victorian rules Quen Victorian rules In our table Since I was five Why do you think that's important too? Well it's important Because they can go anywhere in life So it's about You know there's a grander game at work Which is

[00:25:04] This is the lubricant of society It's expectations, isn't it? If you can play this game It just makes life a lot easier Yeah I think I know some people Also in a bush that only ate finger food So hamburgers, steak sandwiches, hot dogs Chicken kebabs

[00:25:21] So there's never a knife and fork involved So the kids have never grown up with a knife and fork And they would come to our place for dinner And they ate with their fingers When it was a knife and fork situation Let me go back

[00:25:35] Can I go back to you You know Needing to back it up if you're injured If you're hurt If you need to You've got to be tough That concept of you've got to be tough And look I've not been that harsh

[00:25:46] If I've got a little ten year old boy That's hurt himself I'd certainly nurture and help him And everything like that Well I was going to ask mixing I think it's important And I'd like to get your thoughts on this too About how to present

[00:25:57] Still present that lesson Because it comes from a place of love I think Or even fear which is the flip side of love Because you're scared that When you're not there to help them That something could derail them And I think we all feel that feeling too

[00:26:12] And that's where that urge comes from To go no, no, we don't want to see you Able to be shaken easily Because we won't be there all the time That's it That's the fear That's exactly right And I'm often interested

[00:26:25] Because I think everyone does the same trap too Where I do want to teach resilience and toughness But then at the same time But have love and kindness And tenderness present as well Is that an important 100% And my kids have broken a lot of bones

[00:26:43] Because of their activities when they were younger There's been collar bones and arms and legs And things like that And a lot of stitches as well But because they were active and out and about And so, yes When a collar bone was broken That's a bad one

[00:26:57] Because it's very painful So there was tenderness and love and nurturing But at the same time Nobody likes a winger Later in life, do they? Okay, we know what's sore But don't carry on too much And we'll look after you as best we can To reduce that pain

[00:27:15] And it's going to be sore for a couple of days So, you know, but toughen up a bit Not in those words But I came out, come on Yeah, you want to... Let's focus See them build on the ability to cope with it That's right

[00:27:28] And obviously when they're very young We're not hard on them like that But we're just getting them ready For when they're in the workplace Or when they're playing footy Or whatever they're doing You got like, you know Sometimes kids get hurt a bit

[00:27:42] And they go down a bit easy And they're like, you know what I mean? Oh, I can't walk Yes you can You can walk But there is a certain, you know Parenting style That will carry that child to a bed And lay them down for two days

[00:27:59] And go, yes you can't walk In actual fact, you can walk You can run Yep Get up and run No No I'm only joking I am joking But you know I understand I can't walk Yes you can Come on, yes you can Because we...

[00:28:19] You know, it's that thing Like you teach anything Yes You teach by stretching a little Yes That's how we... We talked about it before on the show Where it's like You do teach by stretching a little Not too much Because then it doesn't make sense

[00:28:31] But it's just like I understand what you mean And my goal is always to try And meet them with understanding Which is like I definitely know you're in pain And love And I love you And I'm here for you But You know This is a conversation I have

[00:28:45] With my little fella Because I've been around A bit longer I also know I believe in you That you can stretch past this And then you hope Then the next time The bar's moved And it's trying to find That appropriate level To encourage the stretch too I mean

[00:29:01] I also think There's a big... Which I think my dad didn't do My dad was really strict And he was a hard man But he's a lovely man Very loving We had a very loving family In upbringing But he's a fisherman And his father And his father

[00:29:16] But I think a big thing to do Is apologize to your kids When you're wrong Which I do all the time I go, I'm sorry I'm completely wrong Can you think of the last time You apologized to your dad? Yeah I think it was only

[00:29:27] Like four days ago You know I was saying something And they go, no I go, yeah buddy And then I went Okay I'm sorry I'm completely wrong So it shows vulnerability too And then it's not You're not the king And they're not the subjects

[00:29:42] Because I think a lot of Dads trying to be the king And be right all the time This is my way or the highway Which all it does Is It gives your kids the shits They don't like you Yeah Because you're too much the king

[00:29:56] It creates a distance Yeah And if you apologize And show vulnerability That you're not perfect That's a big thing My dad always wanted to be perfect I was going to say that He was trying to show perfection And how did that feel to you? Yeah

[00:30:09] It annoyed me because He wasn't perfect And so I was I'm very conscious of Not being perfect And being silly And being stupid And letting them What I do Which I've done all my life Is offer them moments Where they can bag me

[00:30:27] Where they can make fun of me As a group So I'm the butt of the joke And I've offered that to them On the sly Without them knowing Can you Think of any examples? We were away Many years ago And kids were quite little This is very funny

[00:30:44] And I was arguing with Anne About that this was the road To our hotel And she said no it's down there And I said I'm telling you it's down here A thousand percent You're all idiots I'm right You're all wrong I said if I'm wrong

[00:31:00] I'll run through our hotel Room with my work boots on And nothing else So, because when we were overseas I used to wear my work boots Because that was the most comfortable shoes I had So there's all these photos of us On travels around

[00:31:15] With me with my work boots on And footy shorts So anyway I was wrong of course Did you know you were wrong at the time? No I didn't That was not one of those offerings But because my wife was so adamant

[00:31:27] Before I gave the offer of the nude run I suspected I was wrong Because I thought She's fighting this too hard I've been travelling But I love that It was a two room hotel sort of setup Quite a, you know not massive But it was two rooms adjoining

[00:31:46] So the kids were in one room And I read the other And I looked at the streetcar I put my boots on And I ran through the adjoining room Around the bed Everyone was screaming And then I dived on the bed face down

[00:31:59] And they were all bashing me on the backside Slapping me laughing So that was their moment where I was wrong And they were taking vengeance But I love that because it's the The importance of being silly Like seeing dad be silly I think is a real critical bit

[00:32:15] Because I always think of it in terms of Distance and closeness You try and be the king You create distance We don't want distance between our kids You'd be silly And I think that's an amazing example Of just, you know, as a policy of

[00:32:30] Offering yourself as the butt of the joke To create closeness Is because I've seen you with your daughter And you guys are close Like, you know, around the neighborhood You guys and no doubt it's the same with all the kids That is the thing

[00:32:44] You know, you've got kids in their 20s And I don't And a lot of people listening to this Don't have their kids there yet And that's the dream You know, I think everyone listening is like What more could we want Than to have our kids in their 20s

[00:32:55] And be that close to us And there's the silliness There's, I think, you know You talk about your understanding To understanding their levels And even when they were teenagers To understanding where their heads were Regarding school What other things do you put that down to That closeness?

[00:33:13] I think my wife, 100% You know, she's an incredible mother And she's had this great relationship With my daughter, Sarah And with openness And being reasonable I think it's a big thing Is being reasonable with your daughter We understand, you know, that they do

[00:33:31] There's doing, sometimes they do things That we don't want them to do The hardest time to parent For all those folks that are listening That have got young kids The hardest time to parent is between 16 and 18 when alcohol becomes involved And don't kid yourself

[00:33:46] The kids are going to get alcohol And it's for always vodka Because it's easy to smuggle And they hide it everywhere I'm not joking In their hair They'll do a bun They'll do a vodka inside it It's unbelievable And it's a really hard time

[00:34:00] And I won't deny that But it's been understanding, I think And that's where the closeness comes from We're not the enemy But the other thing is You can't be their mates when they're young Become their mates when they're 18 But a lot of parents I know Or some, sorry

[00:34:17] Want to be their kids' mates When they're 10 and 12 years old That can't happen You've got to be the boss You've got to be in charge And you've got to set boundaries And we lived like that Until they got to 17, 18 And then we switched off very slowly

[00:34:32] Without them realising And then we became mates And it was a great transition My wife is that good That my daughter 23 Who's a party girl Loves going out And having her cocktail And all that sort of setup She goes away with them Just to tool them every year

[00:34:48] For two weeks That's awesome Just the two of them And hang out And they go to dinner They drink, they're fun And they have laughs And they've got videos And they send them back to us On WhatsApp It's amazing I really find that And that's testament to Anne

[00:35:07] And the way she's parented The closeness The closeness And the boys and I Are very close through the farm And the bush And doing stuff together Going to the footy And you know what Hamish It's participation The boys are close to me Because of the way I participated

[00:35:22] In their lives And I was going to say There's you Opting into the things That they're doing But then also You know You've got the farm You've got the footy Rituals are something We talk about a little bit As part of this And traditions And

[00:35:39] I'm a big fan of them Because I think If they're ever It is a hack It's inventing a tradition And inventing a ritual Gives, especially iPhone Blocks A way It's silly Because it's like It's a rule Because it's a tradition Yeah, we do those But inventing traditions

[00:35:55] I think is a really powerful way Of keeping that repeat connection And so you've got the farm And the footy There are other traditions Well here's an interesting thing That everybody said to me You're mad Like in five years time They're going to be 18

[00:36:07] And no one ever come On holidays with you Every again I go okay We'll see what happens And they still come They still come to Mudgey They still come the whole time But they come and spend a week Now they bring their partners And their partner's parents

[00:36:20] Sometimes two weeks ago Their partners' parents were coming And so we have big dinners With all our three kids They're three partners Us, my mom or someone like that We always go out for dinner All the time like that as a group And they want to come

[00:36:34] So Ann and I go out for lunch When I'm home Because I work every Sunday For about five months of the year Well three months of the year I work every Sunday So when I come home From work After the three months We go to lunch every Sunday

[00:36:48] At one o'clock And so an open invitation And generally every Sunday We've got at least two out of the three Awesome Coming every Sunday I mean just on that Just so we can flesh out a list here Just to rewind I'm going from side to side

[00:37:03] No, no, I love it We've got Sunday lunches We've got phones down When someone enters the room Dinner at 6.30 Yeah It's a bit later now But it was 7.30 I like it, yeah The scheduled dinner What are some of the other Some of the other Cam, like

[00:37:23] Just easy but enforced rules Okay, this is a big one And I went to a I went to a talk 20 years ago From a New Zealand prison guard Who wrote a book about boys It was a female lady And she was a Prison guard at a boys home

[00:37:40] In New Zealand And she gave this talk The joint was packed Was at South Sydney High School And she'd written this book Which I'd read So I said to Ann She's talking in Australia Let's go and have her listen to it And the thing I got out of

[00:37:51] The whole talk and the book And everything like that It's brilliant this If you've got boys That at about 12 or 13 There's a bridge A metaphorical bridge In their life And mother Has got to walk across that bridge Meet dad halfway And hand him over And then dad continues

[00:38:10] On the rest of the life I'm certainly not suggesting That mum's out of the picture But mum needs to give The boy And then dad You do hear You do see this come up In different parenting books for sure And in many cultures

[00:38:24] Like that's the rites of passage That's the initiation period For young boys to men Boys to men And mum can't get involved Too much in that That transitional period But let me take over here For this last bit Up until 18 To keep them out of jail

[00:38:42] Keep them on the right track Keep them with that moral compass And just talk to them And talk to them in the car Pick them up a bit more And I'll pick you up So in your mind That was a key Let's say 6 year period 12 to 18

[00:38:57] Where for your boys You and I've got to turn up The attendance here Because I think Well I was always in the attendance Sorry I've got to But I think mum needed To back off a bit I've got to go a few extra Steps here to make sure

[00:39:09] I'm around more Well now it's always around But I just feel as though That I ramped up My chats But mum needed to ramp down She was always there And well respected of course Just that period Of the two boys I think it was really crucial

[00:39:26] To set them on the right path And be tough with them Did you find them There were times where They were coming to you Did that relationship Take a bit of sorting out Yeah it does But I was also Made Always very loving And I still kiss

[00:39:39] My boys now When I say hello We kiss every time We meet Or leave I think that's worth mentioning That's beautiful Well absolutely yes You know We'll kiss our whole lives There's no doubt about that Of course I'm fully planted with my boy

[00:39:54] I can't ever see it stop Yeah and my boy's Six foot three And massive And he kisses me In front of all his mates No dramas whatsoever Never gives it a second thought Always hugs me When we greet And I hug his mates as well

[00:40:06] You know come here Just like that I'm not going to Hug his mates as well You know come here I'm sure you've been You know Maybe you realise this Maybe not But I'm sure you've been a pretty Present Male role model in their life too

[00:40:19] I've gone a crook Or a few of the others as well Every now and then Blowing up Yeah they know But Yes we are very close To his close mates And there's a good bunch Of boys They're all tremendous We just went to Wedding down the south coast

[00:40:34] Our whole family was invited To one of Charlie's mates And that was a testament To our family Why it was so privileged That Freddie The young bloke That was getting married He invited All of us Me and Charlie Bill and Sarah And his Charlie's mate So

[00:40:52] It means we meant As a family something to him Which was really nice I love this guy One thing we do ask People to Prepare before coming in If they wanted to have A bit of a think about But the email wouldn't open

[00:41:06] For you and you were pretty Out of it You said mate, don't worry about it I don't need a script I've been doing this for 27 years No I said my script is written My script is written My script is written One question that's in there

[00:41:16] That we do ask everyone That comes on Is if they can think of it And have a do this Right now in real time Yes First thing that comes to your mind When I say Can you think of an example Of gold standard fathering Could be

[00:41:30] A small thing A friend Whatever Like a moment where You look at someone else Being a dad and you go That's good They're doing well Yeah I think mate Now if you go back to When you were a child Anytime you did anything You looked up to see

[00:41:46] If mum and dad were watching You dived in the pool And as soon as you surfaced Did you see that So my gold tip of parenting Is to watch Watch everything And that means Turning up to every sporting event So if someone Runs on the field

[00:42:02] For footy or cricket Or soccer Or basketball Or tennis They're going to look around To see if mum and dad are in the audience And that's that So I made sure When I was working for a way I flew home every Friday night

[00:42:16] Because I only used to go away For three months Per year But that's only the last Three or four or five years When they were little I was always there And I'd go away For two days or something As we all do But these days With the block

[00:42:29] I'm away for three months Because it's seven days a week But I used to fly On a Friday afternoon Straight after work Fly up on a Saturday So I'd get there Friday night late And then we'd get up Have dinner Get there in the morning

[00:42:41] And we'd go to the net pool Or the hockey And then we'd go to the two footy games Or the cricket And then I'd Have dinner that night with them Then get up AM early Sunday morning And go straight back to work

[00:42:52] So I did that for three months Which is quite exhausting But it made all the difference Because they didn't notice I was gone Because I was there You were there when they looked up When they looked up Make sure you're there When they look up Gee, that's good

[00:43:05] That's good That's really good And one day I was in a school concert And I was quite a needy kid You know Yeah My wife was too And I was a tough kid Because my dad was tough But also needed recognition There's no such...

[00:43:20] No matter how tough a kid is There's no such kid That doesn't need his dad's love No, that's right And one day We was a school concert And we walked that march To the stage And I looked through the audience And I couldn't see my mum

[00:43:32] Because I knew my dad was at work So they couldn't come But my mum wasn't there And I was so broken That's one of my memories Wow So that always stuck in my head too But I was so broken over that moment She actually was outside

[00:43:48] And she turned up later Like she was there Yeah But she hadn't taken her seat yet And that very moment Was a really hard moment for me I was in second class It matters And because again The wisdom of someone that has grown kids And then, you know

[00:44:04] A lot of people listening to this Have little kids and we're in the thick of it Or coming into being a parent The temptation, the voices there to go It's one assembly, you know Yes, yes What do you say to that voice? That's the memory

[00:44:18] What do you say to that voice? Well, that's the one memory that sticks out, isn't it? Yeah, that's where you've got Of the 10,000 memories There's only a dozen And that'll be one of them You gotta make the effort Gotta make the effort Gotta make the effort

[00:44:29] Do you look back Just lastly Do you look back now with fully grown kids And go, gee There was something I thought was a big deal at the time But it wasn't Yeah, it looked probably I certainly have some regrets

[00:44:46] Where I wanted something to go a certain way And it didn't And then I blew up about it And then And I remember Like maybe three weeks later I apologised into Charlie, my son I said it was pretty bad parenting I was in the wrong And that was

[00:45:03] He goes, no And he says to me Because I still say it to him now And it was 20 years ago Maybe it was 18 years ago And there's nothing in particular But I wanted him to do something And he was frightened to do it

[00:45:16] And I forced him to do it Because I thought he should do it Yeah And I said to him Mate, I really apologise for that day And I probably only said it six, eight months ago Mate, remember that day I still think about it

[00:45:29] And I really apologise for the way I acted And it was really poor parenting Or fathering on my part He goes, dad, it's alright I know you're just trying to push me To make me a better person He always says that

[00:45:40] I know you're always just trying to push me To make me a better person And he's making me feel good On that, you know It's an emotional thing That I'm saying that It's interesting because it comes back To what we were talking about before

[00:45:51] About I can't push it Can't push I get it But he was frightened He was frightened at the time I let him off Yeah, he was frightened at the time It was very poor on my bar behalf And I still get emotional about me doing it

[00:46:03] But it was a mistake And parents make mistakes And you know And I've never gone that far ever again I'll tell you one thing about my daughter though We had a quad bike And she was frightened of it a bit But I know she would have loved it

[00:46:21] So I said to her And I used to make the kids get a motorbike licence Or a quad bike licence You had to pass a test That I had a clipboard It was a big joke I was given by you You'd be by me

[00:46:33] Yeah, when they were like You know, they were like Eight years old, right And my nephew got easy And he was very nervous Because I came out of the house With a clipboard and a pen in my ear And they were all nervous And I go left Right

[00:46:48] And I said, right Sarah I want you to drive through the creek It was only a little shallow creek Through the creek Go to the gate Turn around and come back She didn't want to do it And I said you got it And she would start crying

[00:46:59] And she ran into the house She was about eight or nine And I ran into the bedroom Into the bunk bed And this is a bit harsh I know But I said Sarah Darling I love you You're a strong, calm woman Like your mother And your grandmother

[00:47:12] And both of them They were both there that day You're strong I know you're upset And you're worried But you can do this You can ride from there to there And come back And then you'll get your motorbike license You can do it forever

[00:47:25] And I carried her down From the bunk bed And she was sobbing a bit You know, crying And she got on the bike And she went and did it She was very nervous She went through the creek Slowly up around the thing Came back

[00:47:35] The whole family was out Because you disappeared When you went down Through the creek The whole family was at the top of the hill Where she's coming back to the house Clapping She got there She was smiling The tears had gone away

[00:47:47] She used about 40 litres of fuel that day She'd never got off the bike For about a week And we pushed her through it But if we had her said Okay, you can wait till next year She would have missed out on all that fun

[00:48:00] And she rode the McQuad bike Forever She still She rode a motorbike then Over jumps and everything She's very good on a motorbike now It's that What a beautiful story And thank you It's that line, isn't it? Between What's the right zone? It is

[00:48:15] But what I think is critical about that story I'm sure people will be listening to it Feel the same as the whole family Is there supporting her Yeah, that's right I've got everybody out The love component Yes Is really present too It's not just do it

[00:48:27] And that's it It's do it and we love you You know, I think that To me is the standout Part of that is the support I've got a really good Life hack for girls From dads You'll love this mate Once a month When my daughter turned 13

[00:48:43] We went out on a Date, the tour bus She got dressed I got dressed Coat Not a suit but a jacket And she got her best Dress and shoes on Which was for a 13-year-old girl They love that You know, a little handbag

[00:48:58] And we went to a restaurant And then she I demonstrated to her How she should be treated Wow When she's Every month Every month Or sometimes it was every two months But we'd go So I would Open the car door for her And get her in the car

[00:49:15] And then And then I'd come around And drive to the restaurant And then I'd get out of the car Open the door for her to get out Then I'd take her into the restaurant Pull a seat out And put a seat back in

[00:49:28] And then what would you like to be Rah rah rah rah And, you know, it was basically I said this is how This is the benchmark Of how you should be treated By any boy Ever in your life Anything less than this Flick'em

[00:49:42] So she's got this in her head And she's got a boyfriend now Who's terrified of her No, he's not He's a good boy, Tommy He was over for tea last night But he's very respectful Because she's got her level She's got her level That's what she's attracted to

[00:49:57] This is what we do If you do anything below that Well, it's not on But there must be a magic time To A, a wonderful lesson to teach About, you know, finding a partner And respect But great time Great time To chat Once, you know She was excited

[00:50:13] Block that time out And then it's in those moments That things would come up That you could never have planned Yeah, and it was a school night, of course So don't worry about homework We're going out for tea tonight No, well, we know the policy

[00:50:24] It's got the campsite Homework tonight Teacher's worst nightmare The camp family Scotty, that's beautiful, mate I think the I reckon to me that The clear theme that runs through this is You always made the effort You created these incredible spaces Through time and attention

[00:50:44] To let that closeness grow You know, we know there's no plan There is no rule book or playbook But you clearly put the two ingredients in place Plus then the whole raft of other things About, you know, who you and Anna are as people

[00:50:58] That you spend every day passing on But you put the time and the effort in And you created those moments in that space Yeah, it's great, mate I think that's a huge credit To you and an amazing takeaway Yeah, it's really lovely, mate

[00:51:10] And I think that Anne's, you know She's definitely the brains behind the operation And a bit more the brawn, I suppose But as a partnership, parenting is really tough Because you've got to be on the same page When it gets back to that toughness thing

[00:51:28] It's obviously all about love And just kissing And group, we have group camp family hubs Group hugs all the time We live off those I was gonna say, you know Even before this day, you said, look I'm pretty old school and got thoughts on toughness

[00:51:46] And you are strong And you have obviously taught a brand of toughness But what I clearly hear listening to this And maybe what you don't even fully realise is It's the positive form of toughness Yes, yes It's the good, it's the strength That we're hoping our kids have

[00:52:04] Because I think the key thing is It's delivered with so much love My whole three kids worked at the same place At a restaurant slash cafe restaurant function centre They all worked there Charlie started there, Bill did, Sarah And then the owner of that cafe

[00:52:21] He came up to us Because we used to eat there A bit to see our kids on the weekends We used to eat there all the time So they'd serve us And then they'd sit with us after they knocked off And they'd say, I'm a young man

[00:52:32] And said, I was sending my son to this school But I've changed my mind And I'm sending them to where Bill and Charlie went Because they're the best young men I've ever met in my life And my wife started crying Because it meant so much to us

[00:52:46] We both were very teary and emotional Because it was such a beautiful thing to say So that's the biggest compliment you can get ever I can't think of a bigger one And it sounds like it's... You've certainly put the time and effort in To deserving that compliment, Scotty

[00:52:59] Thank you so much for having me Your kids are beautiful as well And we've all met at the beach one day And it was a lovely time And, you know, it's all about that participation What we're all doing together that day Beautiful, I love this guy

[00:53:11] Matt, thank you so much for your time Thank you Hey, mish is glad that he talked to another dad Now he's gonna say some other stuff But he will be by himself Just... I think it just deserves an exhale A bit of an exhale at the end there

[00:53:26] I hope, slash, and pretty confident That you feel or will be feeling the way I felt Having that chat with Scotty So grateful for his wisdom But also just love the way he shares it And as I sort of mentioned before the episode

[00:53:40] He has that sort of like... I don't know if he knows what he's got Like, I think there's a bit of him It just sounds like he's sort of reluctantly going Well, I know I'm a bit old school But as you can hear, he really isn't

[00:53:52] I don't think it was... It's not included in the episode here But when we finished chatting I said to Scotty like About that when he was taking her out on monthly dinners Like father of daughter dates I was like, how long do that last for?

[00:54:06] And he goes just casually again and goes Oh, I still do it, mate Yeah, we're still a daughter of the time How am I gonna think him? You are not an old school dad, Scotty That is a really beautiful thing to be doing

[00:54:16] I do have to include this because Gee, it made Tim and I laugh And it's kind of another piece of Just that Scott Cam genius wisdom As he's walking out the door He goes, hey, I'll give you boys another tip When your kids turn 18, get him a car

[00:54:29] And we went, okay, that sounds a little bit Actually sounds a little bit non-Scoot Okay, that kind of just sounds like a free car For kids he goes, no, no Get him a second hand Toyota Hilux single cab Gotta be a single cab ute

[00:54:41] And we're like, I mean Now we're like this feels like a very Scott Cam thing to say Because single cab ute You got a single cab ute You got no one in the back No one in the back egg and you on

[00:54:52] Telling you go faster doing dumb teenage shit You just got a single cab ute It's a one passenger ute And again, I was just like, God, that's That is actually really clever Now we're not all in a position to give a kid single cab utes

[00:55:05] Love the lesson though Maybe it lands for someone out there I look forward to seeing if I go down that path But another little bit of genius Dadding wisdom from Scotty Thank you so much for listening guys We'll see you next time

[00:55:22] This episode of How Are The Dads Dad Was produced by Tim Bartley And his good friend Hamish Blake Our theme is by the insanely clever And hilarious Tom Cardi Please do check him out everywhere that you can check people out

[00:55:35] We recorded this on the lands of the Gadigal people Of the Eora Nation Who have passed their parenting stories down For thousands of generations and we pay our respects If you want to drop us a line Head to our website howarethedadsdad.com Thanks again for listening

[00:55:52] If you want to see more videos like this Please check out our website howarethedad.com And please check out our website howarethedad.com Thanks again!